“I’m watching my sister give birth”


Date number two! I was determined to plough on with my adventures in online dating. My next match was a chap in his mid-thirties who worked within the Energy sector. He seemed to have what the kids call ‘banter’ and ‘chat’ and was extremely easy on the eye. We arranged to meet on a Thursday evening at an indoor golfing venue. His messages often looked like they were typed out with his dick, but I let that slide because he was very pretty. This should have been a warning sign!

The evening of the date, I checked in with my colleagues to see how I looked. Got a grunt and a bitchy “she’s off on another Tinder date again” response, so grumpily I headed off. Cock blocking bastards! I felt nervous. Really nervous. He messaged me to say he had a dry mouth. I presume that was down to nerves, rather than him pre-warning me about an existing medical condition. I didn’t want to clarify.

So I arrived to see ‘Mr Perfect’ (as he was later nicknamed – firstly as a term of endearment, then later becoming a sarcastic slur) with some seriously epic beard-game going on, standing at the bar waiting for me. I turned into a spaz and started nervously giggling. He thought this was cute (again, warning sign!)

After a few rounds of indoor golf, we decided to go and play ping-pong and pool. He said if I lost, the forfeit would be that he had to kiss me (Again, warning sign! What grown ass man has to invent a reason to make a move?!) But short story, sport that involves balls in general, I lose at. Including dating.

Fast forward a few weeks of dating and things running smoothly. He lived with his Mum…I could get past that. I paid for most of dates, again, I could get past that. I’m a modern woman after all! He also only ever spoke about his family, never mentioned any friends. He met some of mine! Things started to seem a little off. He invited me one evening to stay at his. Well his Mum’s house, which thoroughly weirded me out. His bedroom looked like it belonged to a Computer Science student, without the computers and with more mess! For a man so impeccably groomed, his bedroom didn’t reflect his appearance. My mother used to use the phrase “all fur coat, no knickers” to describe people like this. As per usual, our date involved alcohol, rapidly becoming predictably average sex and him becoming inhumanly sweaty. I’m not even kidding. No human can sweat that much and not die immediately from dehydration. My hair would turn curly after giving him a cuddle due to how permanently damp he was upon the most basic of physical exertion!

After inviting me to multiple family functions – more often than not he’d claim it was a party and I’d walk into a full on family gathering. All this seemed way too much too soon for me! Yes we’d clicked, but still! I avoid spending time with my own family, why would I want to spend this much time with someone else’s?! Fast forward a week after the latest family event and my friend spots his profile on Tinder. This wouldn’t be an issue, but he told me to delete mine and that he had deleted his. By this point, we’d spent a fair amount of time making the beast with two backs, so naturally, I grew concerned for my sexual health. How was I to approach this without looking like I was being a needy little millennial? I spent a solid hour trading voice notes with a friend and decided to make it super casual. I was very impressed with how casual it was – even included the line “Well I don’t want to catch STI’s like Pokemon lol” – apparently that was the straw that broke the camels back. Have you ever seen anyone go apeshit over WhatsApp messaging?

He was furious! He turned it all back on me. Apparently, I’m the one who is in the wrong for not introducing him to my family and for going on a planned holiday. Personally, I thought as adults, discussing safe sex was a completely normal thing to do. For him, it was part of the unattractive side of me as he called it. He said he doesn’t like assertive women. I may be new to the dating scene, but even I have read about Gaslighting!

Anyway, fast forward a few days and him telling me that it was moving too quickly for him and he felt that I wanted to progress things too fast – I casually pointed out that my family didn’t even know he existed, but I’d met ALL of his. (He literally introduced me to a Great Aunt in addition to the sisters, parents and cousins!) and that resulted in another bitch fit from him! So anyway, we were moving too fast, so he said we just chill a bit. Then he invited me to his Step-Mum’s birthday meal. Yes, yes, I know!

I started a tactical withdrawal. Leaving it longer and longer to respond to messages. Then one day, he sends me a WhatsApp (he literally NEVER called. Even if he was stood outside my flat in the rain for twenty minutes, he never called. He’d WhatsApp “answer the door babe” repeatedly) to say his sister was in labour. Cool story bro. But anyway, I’m a fairly decent human being, so said congratulations and left it at that. Later, I get a picture message of a birthing pool. He’d left work to go to his sisters house and watch her deliver her child from her vagina with a front row fucking seat! He’d angled the sofa for a better view and stuck on a movie for some background noise.

By this point, I just deleted him from my life like boy, bye! He sent another picture message of his sister pretty much naked, with placenta floating about the birthing pool. I blocked him.

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