Is Baggage Worth It?

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Date six. The professional services business owner. We met. He was ten years older and a good five stone heavier than his Tinder profile. Despite being a legal shark, dressed in unflattering figure hugging Henley Regatta style wear, I made him shy. You could see the inner shark in his eyes, but around me he turned timid. I don’t know why. I put on my best sweet behaviour for this date. I had to be the most sophisticated version of myself. He couldn’t see the girl who eats food off the floor when she’s dropped it.

Mid forties, out of shape and comes with a child shaped baggage, not definitely not my usual type. Despite the retarded shyness that occurred when he met me, I could sense there was more to him that peaked my interest.  I’ve agreed to see him again. I’m going to try this thing where I’m not such a judgemental bitch and give those I wouldn’t usually bother with, a chance. Maye a connection isn’t always something that is instantaneous, but grows over time?

Suited and Kilted

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Date seven in my quest to find a mate before my ovaries shrivel and die.  Seemed to have good banter over messages, so agreed to meet for a drink. He made a joke about wearing a kilt, so I dared him. He’s in his mid forties, this wasn’t something he’d do.

I arrive at the city bar and there he is. In a fucking kilt and Doc Martins! YES, a Kilt and Doc Martins! His wacky appearance was topped off with an un-ironed yellowed white shirt and a messy scarecrow haircut. I wanted to either leave immediately or just drop dead of embarrassment. But trying this new non-judgey me, I stayed for two whole hours!

You know when you get that vibe that there’s something a little off about someone? I began feeling that, so made my excuses to leave. He asked me if there would be a second date, I said no. I said he was a nice guy, but there was no sexual attraction or chemistry there for me. I don’t fuck scarecrows. (I didn’t say the last part)

He now wont take no for an answer. He’s told me he’d go to the ‘ends of the earth’ for me etc etc. I promised on the date I wouldn’t ghost him or block him, but how many no’s does it take! Why can’t the ones who I want be this obsessed with me?!

 

Is Dating Fatigue a real thing?

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We’re now up to date with my mission (yes, we’re now in real time!) to find a meaningful connection with a member of the opposite sex. I went on Date number eight, with a match who I’ve been speaking to for the past few months. After months of trading voice notes and flirty messages, I gave him a one time only deal to meet with me. Sounds brutal, but we’ve been dancing around meeting up for months. I told him I chase once and only once, so if he’d like to meet me, then now was his chance.

We went for a walk at a country park and he picked me up from my apartment. I don’t usually allow this of dates, as I don’t want them to know where I live. Like putting your seatbelt on in a car, it’s all about safety first! As we’ve been speaking so long, it feels as if I already know him well.

He is my type. Looks wise and personality. We get on so well. He’s everything I usually look for in a man. Kind, funny, witty and chatty…BUT…I just don’t know! If I could create anyone who would be an ideal match for me, it would be him. But I felt that there was something missing. Maybe because this is the type of guy I ALWAYS go for? Maybe I’m looking for something different? Maybe this is a slow burner with getting that ‘spark’?

We talked for hours and have so many things in common. I could see in his eyes the way he looked at me, he’s wanting to progress things. We kissed, but I didn’t feel the earth move. In previous relationships, that first kiss has got me going, my heart racing and feeling a little dizzy. It wasn’t a bad kiss. Maybe a bit too much lizard tongue for my liking though! He’s not got a Greek God physique like Daddy or as intellectual as PSB and I know I shouldn’t compare. These are men, not Primark jeans, but I can’t help it.

Sitting here, balls deep in my ribs and wings combo, ignoring the pinging of my phone telling me of yet more Tinder messages to respond to, I feel tired. Not just because I’ve been chasing crickets and batting off flies all afternoon.

Is there such a thing as Dating Fatigue? I haven’t met as many men (so far!) as other women do in their quest for love, but I’m finding it draining. Over the course of the last six months, it’s just felt never ending. Maybe this is why I haven’t felt an instant spark with Mr Usual Type (UT) because I’m bloody knackered with it all. Have I got Dating Fatigue? I suppose if you play any game long enough, it gets exhausting and boring. This must be applicable to dating too.

 

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Maybe I’ve fallen into that Tinder trap of too many options? Always looking out for something more due to there always being something more at just a simple swipe.

We live in a disposable society. Our jeans are ripped, we throw them away. You get bored of your sofa, you just buy a new one. Maybe this applies to dating too? Apps like Tinder have perhaps helped this apply to relationships. You feel as if you can always upgrade or replace if something doesn’t take your fancy or needs a bit of TLC. Rather than working at building a better connection or addressing an issue, we just swipe right, dispose of the last one and move onto the next. Dating has become disposable. Perhaps this is why we often treat others so badly on dating apps. We see others as commodities.

I just want to clarify – despite how this ridiculously long post reads and the fact I’m gorging on a meat feast fit for King Henry VIII, I’m neither drunk nor high.

Ghostbusting

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As Sunday is the day of graft – it used to be the day of rest sure, but now it’s about lining up those dates for the week ahead, whilst sat in your PJ’s eating cold custard from the tub. A friend of mine has recommended Bumble, as she said the calibre of men is a lot higher and I’d get a lot less middle aged rich men looking for me to be their ‘little girl’

Lets get ready to Bumbleeeee!

So I downloaded Bumble. I have to fucking pay to see my matches? What is this scumbag site!! I paid for a week. I’ll give them a weeks trial, but surely love should be free? Anyway, I copied and pasted my Tinder profile word for word and then got cracking. The first six men I matched with, I’d seen on Tinder. I live in a city, the pool can’t be this shallow, surely?

After a few more swipes, then giving up and letting the matches come to me, things started to pick up. I have to message first, which I’m not 100% keen on and usually results in me coming across as a sassy bitch. Men have 24hrs to respond – this is turning dating even more into a game, surely? Is this now degrading finding a mate into even more of a dejecting experience? I’m starting to feel like I could do with  PA to help keep on top of matches / messages and a therapist to deal with the fallout of when it inevitably goes wrong.

Ghost Busting:

I’ve just seen the Ghoster on there. The one I was starting to build a connection with, then he vanished. It’s prompted me to message him. Not to re-start something (is it wrong that I could potentially be open to that), but to get some closure. This keeps happening to me, so I feel I need some feedback as to what I’m doing wrong, or if it’s just me having a shit taste in men! I created a draft message and sent it to a couple of friends to vet before I hit send. My best friend said I’m giving him far too much importance and I just deal with the fact he has taken a different road. I see her point, I really do. But part of me feels that what if there was a miscommunication somewhere and we’ve both read the situation wrong. Wishful thinking I guess and I know I’m just opening myself up to more confusion. She’s told me I need to learn to love myself more. I feel that I do, I just don’t like leaving things open ended.

I wouldn’t usually chase a ghoster, but on this occasion, I have no expectations and I feel I need to do this to put it to rest. It’s sent. Now I spend the next two to five days wondering what his response is if there will actually be one! What do I say if I have got it wrong and he was just stupidly busy! But as another friend pointed out, you’re never to busy to spend 2 minutes sending someone a message. I’m not needy, expecting several texts a day, or even one text a day. But days and days without anything, despite them finding time to go online. I know what his answer will be if he does  give one. Not 100% sure he will even respond. I hate being a woman sometimes! Am I wrong in thinking 90% of all cases of ghosting, it’s the woman on the receiving end?

 

Confronting Your Ghosts

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So, I received a response from my Ghoster. It made me realise the importance of closure. Everything else in life has a beginning and a defined end, so why not a connection you made? He didn’t feel fireworks, like I didn’t either. He said when he was busy with work, he didn’t find himself missing me like he felt he should so early on into dating. He said he was disappointed that he felt this way as he does like me and could see himself with me, but for him, he needs to get those fireworks. This may sound brutal, but I appreciate this. I was a lot less brutal to him, as I do feel he has  a very fragile sense of self, just based how he has reacted previously. I want a MAN. I define a MAN to be someone who isn’t scared to confront their feelings or will speak to you when they feel you’ve wronged them.

My advice, reader. You have a ghost, you bite that bastarding bullet and confront that mother fucker. Anyone who ghosts you is not worth your time, but you deserve that closure. You need to know that you haven’t done anything wrong, you were just wrong for eachother. But until you hear that, you wont accept it for yourself. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? No, call that fucking ghoster!

Anyway, I’ve spent Sunday graft day, doing just that. Three more dates lined up for next week. I’m excited and more positive following my closure conversation. I’m not going to be the chaser. As a dear friend said to me “Giirrll, the egg don’t swim to the sperm!”

Dating in the Digital Age

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The past few months has been a steep learning curve to me when it comes to dating as an adult in the world of apps – so many new terms to learn! Ghosting, Gaslighting and Stashing! I’m still struggling to get my head round how complicated and game playing dating has become. Have we forgotten that it’s real people and their feelings behind the screens? I prefer love in its simplest form – you meet someone, you date, you fall in love! No games, no ghosting and certainly no Breadcrumbing! (unless you’re role playing Hansel and Gretel of course!)

Here’s my top tips so far:

Resilience:

To succeed at dating and the never-ending rejection that comes with online dating, you need some serious William Wallace level resilience (but definitely minus the fucking kilt!) You must be able to take the rejection on the chin and not let self-doubt creep in. If I still had depression like I did a year ago, dating would completely send me under. Shaking the feeling that you’re not enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough etc is a hard thing to ignore. But you need to just ignore that! You ARE enough. Maybe not for that person, but you are for the right one for someone else and you are the right one for YOU! Don’t let rejection make you feel that you aren’t enough, because you are. You always will be.

Collecting them all:

Don’t assume that the guy you’ve connected with and are investing all that time with, feels the same about you. You are likely to be one of many. Never assume that he’s just got your number favourited. The odds I’ve learnt, is that often, they will have a few of you saved, benchmarking. Like sticking several types of gin in your trolley to have a think about which one you want to buy (unless you’re me and you buy them all) Because there is too much choice. I’d recommend doing the same. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You wouldn’t purchase the first wedding dress you saw without:

  1. A) trying it on
  2. B) trying on others

By all means, if you feel ready to focus on just that one person, talk to them! Put your cards on the table! Tell them how you feel / what you want…Which leads on to my biggest tip..

COMMUNICATION!!

The most fundamental point of them all is communication. This seems to go out of the window when it comes to dating. Sure, you talk, but do you communicate? Do you talk about expectations and what you’re both looking for? As women we seem to let this slide when it comes to falling knickers first into a new man. We seem to be wary to want to bring up or communicate needs and expectations in case we scare them off, as we know that above point of multiple options is in play. We don’t want to scare off a potential mate, but then don’t you want to be yourself?

 

The IT Guy

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Another day, another date. Bit much for a Tuesday, but still! A phone call from my mother reminded me that my eggs aren’t getting any younger. Tinder again.

I’m tactically late, as per usual. This is to make sure I’m not going to be stood up. If I’m late, I can pretend I was never going in the first place and can save face. Plus I’m shit at time keeping too!

So he kept quiet that he has a daughter, half my age! I know dating someone in their late thirties, it’s likely they’ll have had kids. I don’t want to be the wicked step-mother, which I’d 100% would be. Less bitter, more bitchy!

So the date went fairly well, overall. No instant spark, still no chemistry. He kept touching my leg and it was a bit of a “can you not” situation. Am I expecting too much from a first date? Does love at first sight exist with instant fireworks and wet knickers? Maybe these things take time to develop and I’m becoming a Tinder Wanker, always swiping for something that doesn’t exist.

PSB gave me an ultimatum today – he said I’m not giving him what he wants and he’s going to end it, unless I give him a good reason not too…FUCK OFF! Instant disconnection, you weirdo! We went on ONE date for TWO hours! I owe you nothing! There’s nothing to end!

Ugh! Search continues!